Gillian found this in an old stack of papers the other day. I thought I'd pass it along (read carefully):

Dear sir or madame or some sort of she-male women in suit;

Is your site crap? If you answer yes, Olga will help. If you answer no, you lie. Olga has seen your site. Is crap. Several problems with site. First of all, is written in one language. This is crap! Olga knows that best way to reach more clients is to write in many languages. For example, if site was also available in Chechnoslovenian language, 16 more people would be able to read and purchase items from site (was 17 more people, until Stinky Ivan drank too much vodka and tried to mate his bull with wild boar. God rest his soul). Imagine business from 16 more people! Is good, yes?

No. Is crap. Is crap because no one wants to buy product from your crappy site. This is your other big problem. Olga will fix. Site should sell many things, so people will not need to travel on "Superhighway" to other sites to find things they need. Olga has never seen superhighway, but traffic sounds worse than Ugstavich Street when Pachinka, one legged whore offered Yaking Day Special! Your site must offer all that Pachinka did and more. For example, what if customer think, "Ah, I wish to purchase refreshing beverage, warm sweater, and find romantic love all at one place! But where?" Olga has answer. Your site could be solution to customers problems. What to do? Sell mule online! Mule produce milk (refreshing beverage!), has thick coat (warm sweater!) and is mule (romantic love!). is answer to all problems.

olga has checked. your site only provides computer interface software to improve broadband operations (or handmade chocolates in shape of favorite civil war heros or some other crap). who the hell wants to cuddle with that?

Olga also did research. found domain name www.mule.com is still available. if you do not jump on this offer like the late Stinky Ivan jumped on Pachinka, one-legged whore, you are ignorant filth and i spit on your ancestors' graves. If you think that Olga's advice is good, then you pay Olga $67 krinkstoys (krinkstoy is currency of Chechnoslovenia. 1 krinkstoy = 4 liters of kerosene and one turnip). Please consider offer.

Thank you for your time which would otherwise be wasted if not spent on Olga, who will help bring sales to your company, Olga Nevishnikovstoyolavich

Obviously, it hasn't been edited for political correctness but, neither has it undergone the creative stifling that is typical of modern sales literature. In all honesty, I don't think I could say no to an email like this, even if it was spam.

I'll check with the original author to see if they'd like to take credit.