What up, YOUmoz? As you know, SEOmoz recently released The Professional's Guide to PageRank Optimization, which contains what some are calling "the greatest explanation of PageRank in the known Universe." Actually, it's just me who's calling it that, but the point is the document is an awesome piece of content--the kind of content one might expect from the World's greatest SEO. However, since my guide is only accessible to SEOmoz's crème de la crème, that leaves a whole lot of you po' folk with nothing to read. Well... nothing that I've written, anyway. But fear not, ye panhandlers, for I have produced yet another masterpiece!

Okay... not really. What you are about to read is nothing like The Pro's Guide to PRO. (I just came up with that abbreviation myself. Catchy, right?) In fact, this post isn't going to contain anything even remotely useful. It will, however, contain some offensive references... so if you're into that, keep reading.

A couple of weeks ago, I signed into SEOmoz and found a new private message waiting for me. This is what it said:

My name is favour, I am a young beautiful girl with full of love,caring and romantic. I was impress when i saw your profile in( www.seomoz.org)and i love it, i think we can click together. I will like you to reply me through this my email address [email protected] and i will show you my picture then you will know more about me. please contact me direct to my email address [email protected] so that i will have enough space to attach my picture and send it to you from there you will know more about me. Age,distance and language does not matter but love matters in life. Waiting for your reply to my email address soon. favour.

Sound familiar? Many of you probably received the same message or something similar. Most people read this, immediately recognized it as spam, and deleted it. Well... I'm a little bit crazy compared to most people. I read this and thought to myself: "This has got to be the worst attempt at spam I have ever seen. I wonder what kind of scam this d-bag is trying to pull..." Then I spent several hours writing emails to this spammer.

I went over to Yahoo and opened up an email account. I was delighted to find that no one had registered the name "str8_pimpin_teh_moz" yet, so I snagged it and wrote an email to "Favour." I was curious to find out how much attention this spammer gives to an individual response, so I included some inappropriate subtleties that a casual reader might miss:

Favour,

What was it about my profile that impressed you? Was it my style? My sophistication? My 50% keyword density for the phrase "World's Greatest SEO"? I can tell from reading your email that we are indeed destined to be together. I too am a young, beautiful person with full of love, caring, and romantic. Plus, I am with full of desire to indulge in the finer things in life, such as traveling, sailing, and necrophilia. I am searching for someone special--someone who will make my dreams come true. Specifically, my dreams of finding out what human flesh tastes like. If you are that special someone, then please send me your picture.

Darren

Sure enough, I received a response within 24 hours, which included two pictures. The problem was... the pictures were of two different people. Both pictures were hosted on Flickr accounts, so I'm guessing this spammer simply grabbed two pictures from the public photo stream and used them. I'm pretty sure the two women in the photos don't want their pictures being associated with some scam, so I've taken certain measures to protect their privacy. (Yes, that's my face, and yes, I know I'd make one helluva sexy lady.) Anyway, here is the response I got:

My dearest,

How are you over there in your country,i believe you had a nice day and that the arthmosphere over there in your country is very nice today? Mine is a little bit warm over here in Dakar Senegal

My name is Favour Ammed i am in a real relationship, so am confortable with your age. I am from Ivory Coast ,5.8ft tall, and 24 years of age. and i am single,(never married ) and presently i am residing here in Dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

My late father Dr Mustapha Ammed was a politician and the managing director of a Gold & Mine Ind in Abdijan (the capital of Ivory.coast) before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood.

It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal where i am leaving now as a refugee under a Reverend-Pastor's care and i am using his computer to send these message to you.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and the type of work or business which you are doing presently and i will tell you more about myself in my next mail.

Attached here is my picture is the picture i scan when father and my mother are alive and i will send you more in my next mail to you.

I will also like to see yours today!

Hoping to hear from you soonest

Yours forever,

Miss Favour

Apparently, my first email was too subtle. So I stepped it up:

My Sweet Favour,

I am doing very well, over here in my country. The atmosphere has indeed been pleasant, due to a molecular oxygen:nitrogen ratio that is unusually high for this time of year. I've never heard of this Dakar Senegal place, but judging by the picture I can see that you people take pride in your hedge-trimming, which is nice. Perhaps if you punctuated sentences like you trim bushes, your emails would be readable?

I'm sorry to hear about Mustapha. He totally kicked ass in The Lion King. Is there any chance he left some gold behind? If so, please send me some. According to the traditions of my country, when a woman is romantically interested in a man, she must prove her love by Fedexing him large quantities of gold bullion.

I think it sucks that rebels attacked your house and killed your parents. Although, a similar tragedy happened to Luke Skywalker and HE turned out alright, didn't he? That Uncle Owen was only holding him back. Do you really think Luke would have saved the universe if storm troopers hadn't set his family on fire? I doubt it. That tragedy was a catalyst for success and a blessing in disguise. In fact, based on what I learned from that movie, I decided a long time ago that I will never achieve greatness unless I incinerate everyone I meet. So write me back ASAP and let's turn up the heat, baby. You make me hot, figuratively, and I can't wait for you to fuel my fire... literally.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Darren

P.S.  Don't forget to send me that gold.

Again, I got a response:

My Dearest

It's mine pleasure to know how you are doing today.I believe you are fine with all hopes to meet withyou very soon for a lovely life in your country.

Mine here is very hot and like you know we are living in the refugee Camp here in Dakar senegal,

My dearest, thing are very bad for me here in the refugee camp where i am living today. I was first year student in the university studing law before the ungly incident that killed my parents that put me in this horrible place i found myself toady. This place is like a prison as we are only allowed to go out on monday and friday of the week as given by the united nation rules and regulation here in Senegal. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i have now is Rev Ken Aduma who is the pastor of the (Christ for all Churches) here in the refugee he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women's hostel because the refugee have two hostels one for men the other for women and i chosen you immidiately i saw your profile at the site without delay,because they said that out of hundred,there must be a good samaritan and i hope that it was by God's grace that i chosen you and during my praying,God reveal to me that you are a very kind person,that is capable to help me. And i have 100% trust and confidence in you and i am rest assured that you will surely help me out from this terrible place called refugee camp.

I will like you to call me today with my rev father's phone, Rev Pastor Ken Aduma (00221-7646-875-51) When you call tell him that you want to speak with me so that he will send for me from the females hostel to talk with you about what i am going through here.I dont have money to call you there,since my sitaution here is very difficult.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the traggic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this, i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount in question is $3.8M (Three Million eight Hundred Thousand Dollars). So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I kept this secret to people in the refugee here the only person that knows about it is the Revrend because he is like a father to me. So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking.

My dear i will like to know your willingness to assist me in this claim so that i can give your the full contact of the bank in Europe for you to contact them for verification and confirmation. I will however i apprecaited if you can call me with this telephone number (00221-7646-875-51) in the church office located in the refugee camp so that i can tell you more about what i am going through. When you call, please tell Rev Ken Aduma that you want to speak with me so that he will send for me from the females hostel to talk with you.

Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said i have alot to tell you.

Have nice day and think about me.

Awaiting to hear from you soonest

Yours Inlove

Miss Favour

Finally, the scam revealed itself! Let me guess... I give this guy my name, address, drivers license number, date of birth, credit card numbers, bank account numbers, social security number, logins, passwords, PIN numbers, and a copy of my birth certificate... and he'll deposit the money into my bank account, right? Once again, I tested the reading comprehension of my spammer pen pal:

Favour,

You say it's really hot in Dakar, Senegal, but I just Googled [Dakar Senegal weather] and it says the average high temperature last week was in the mid-80's. You consider that to be very hot? I spent this past weekend in Las Vegas, where the average high temperature was 104 degrees! You also said that refugee camp is like prison because you are only allowed to go out twice a week. How is that like prison? That sounds like a pretty typical work week to me. Except you apparently don't even have a job or go to school--you just sit around, surfing the web all day. Plus, you inherited 3.8 million dollars and all your relatives ran away? I hate to break it to you, honey, but you're pretty much living my dream life. Forget helping you escape... I wanna know where to sign up!

I am very touched that you chose me as the person you can trust. Unfortunately, your intuition was way off. In reality, I would stab you in the back for $100. I'm not saying I would betray you to make 100 dollars--I'm saying I would PAY someone 100 dollars to let me literally stab you in the back. I may even be willing to pay more, depending on what stabbing instruments are available. I imagine that something like a pickax might carry a premium price tag, am I right?

I tried calling that phone number you gave me, but I kept getting the operator. I don't know much about international phone numbers or country codes, so I looked into it, to figure out what I was doing wrong. From what I understand, there are 2 types of phone number prefix codes: the "country code" and the "IDD (International Direct Dialing) prefix code." In our case, the Senegal country code is what I would dial to call Senegal from the United States. The IDD code is what you would dial from within Senegal to call the U.S. (or any other outside country). Senegal's country code is 221 and its IDD code is 00. So the number you SHOULD have given me is 221-7646-875-51. The 00-prefixed version only works for people calling you from the U.K., for some reason.

After I figured out why the original number wasn't working, I was going to dial the correct phone number, but then I remembered how much I hate talking on the phone. Plus, if your spoken English is anywhere near as bad as your written English, then I imagine talking to you must be absolute torture.

Since you have an internet connection, why don't you just take care of your finances through online banking? That would seem to be a better option than asking some random American for help. Besides, if you transferred that money into my bank account, I wouldn't send you anything--I'd be rolling around town in a Lamborghini full of babes way hotter than you.

I hope you fall off a cliff.  =)

Darren

Once again, I got a semi-coherent response:

My dearest, How are you toda. I think it was cool over there with you, as you think about me and our meeting very soon for a beautiful life. I felt very happy to read e-mails, as I like to come to work with you immediately after the transfer of my money for your position for a better life. My dear i prayed and fasted when i got your contact before it was revealed to me God, that you are the right man for me, which I love and appreciate our caring, without difference, and I know you will not disappoint me. You can reach me with this number00221-7646-875-51 office in the church, and you tell Rev Ken Aduma that you want to talk with me, so he sent for me to come and answer your call. My dear i want to come over to meet with you for the rest of my life as i have seen that you are the right man for me and i will like you to help me and the transfer of my (3.8 million dollars), so that you can send me some money to prepare my travling document to come over to meet you for a better life. Honey, I love you so much, and i can wait to meet with you for the rest of my life, and i am looking towards that lovely day when i will be meeting with you for therest of my life after the transfer of my money to your possition so that from there you can send me some money to prepare my travel documents to meet with you for a better life. My dear, I would like you to send an e-mail to the bank today about the possible transfer of my 3.8 million dollars deposited TRIODOS BANK OF SCOTLAND, which my name appears as the next of kin due to my refugee status here in Senegal. I have informed the bank about you and they are waiting for your e-mail address, so that they can use this money in their position for our beautiful meeting.   Here are the contact details of the bank in Scotland, where the money was deposited by my late father is as follows, TRIODOS BANK OF SCOTLAND Name of the officer is the transfer MR OLIVER STOCKEN. Telephones                          +447-031-964-108                                             +447-031-922-498                                            +447-031-922-825 FAX NUMBER                      +447-031-825-968 Already, I have informed the bank about my intention to clame my late father deposit of which my name appears as the next of kin. The only thing the bank told me is to look for a foreign partner who will assiat me in the transfer due to my refugee status here in Senegal, as a refugee i am not allowed direct claim on the money, but through an appointed representative as the united refugee law governing refugee all over the world state. Based on this information, i will like you to send an e-mail to the transfer department of the bank today with this e-mail address     ([email protected]) Attentioned Mr. Oliver Stocken transfer of the foreign officer of the bank telling him that you are my representative and that you want to assist me transfer my (3.8 million) dollars deposited by my late father of which i am the next of kin. The account information are as follows. ACCOUNT NAME DR MUSTAPHA AMMED AMOUNT 3.8 MILLION DOLLARS ACCOUNT NUMBER 87423006 NEXT OF KIN FAVOUR AMMED

I Googled the 447 country code, and according to this Wiki page, that number is assigned to Kuwait. It didn't really matter. I had to face the facts: my relationship with Favour had taken a turn for the worse. She just didn't understand me, and I felt like she never listened to me. I knew I had to dump her... but how? How could I get through to her that I just wasn't interested? I gave it my best shot:

Favour,

Your extremely low intelligence was cute at first, but now you're just annoying. Please continue to fast until I call you. If you get tired of fasting, put a plastic bag over your head.

Fuck you,

Darren

I didn't get a response.

So there you go, YOUmozzers. If any of you received that same private message spam and were wondering WTF this person was trying to pull, then now you know.

As a side note... I'll mention that there seems to be a reasonable amount of search traffic related to this scam. In fact, when I type [dakar senegal] into the Google search box, Google lists [dakar senegal refugee camp] as one of the suggested queries. My point is...many of the things I searched for in Google (things related to this scam) didn't return results that identify this as a scam. I've included all of those terms in this post, so hopefully SEOmoz will start ranking for them and inadvertently prevent others from being scammed. At the very least, I'm hoping we can capture the number 1 spot for [sailing and necrophilia].