Forget Google Analytics. Toss your SEO Elite. These tools can only go so far in writing text for a well-optimized site. The tools I find most useful aren’t digital. They’re 100% analog, guaranteed to cut any assignment down to size.

Check your SEO copywriter’s tool kit for the following:

A ball peen hammer. The ball peen hammer is used to drive home my expertise and value when the client thinks my $250 sales letter “isn’t quite SEO enough.” That long-form, Glazer-Kennedy letter drives $10K in sales of yet another “make a million on the web” e-book download.

A paint brush (a big one). Used to paint the project’s broad strokes so the client gets the big picture. Then lets you do what you’re being paid for. Also an excellent tool for laying it on thick, sometimes necessary for the client to recognize the value of good site text.

A hack saw. If the check clears, I write it. I’m a hack so, of course, I carry one of these in my kit bag. To earn a living, it’s words by the pound.

A chain saw (a big one). I use this to cut out the pages that were outsourced to Belarus and written by a third-year English student who has yet to learn the difference between there, their and they’re.

Also useful in cutting text written by the site owner (or his/her spouse, a one-time English major) who doesn’t understand why his “biometric gridles for lower bake pain” aren’t jumpin’ off the shelves.

A circular saw. A very valuable tool for cutting through the client’s SOW to actually add up deliverables. I also find it useful to cut a corner here or there based on the premise that no client knows what you didn’t do.

A Phillips head screwdriver. I use this to puncture my eardrum after receiving notes on the eighth revision. Extremely effective but should be used with care (and only as a last resort to revision number nine).

A crowbar. I use this to pry payment from clients who seem to be out whenever I call and who seem to be having a problem with their email software.

X-acto knife.  Used primarily to cut and paste, can also be used in place of the screwdriver above. Saves a little money.

Bolt cutters. I use these to unlock the first draft from the marketing staff as I swear to never take a “decision by committee” assignment again.

A level. This tool comes in very handy when I’m trying to keep the text “on the level” and not use too much hyperbole to sell Viagra from the “Happy Time Hong Kong Pharmaceutical Company.”

A trowel. I’ve found this very useful when working with clients who want virtually everything there is to say about their products or services crammed onto the home page. A trowel really helps slather those pixels.

A sledge hammer. Great for cramming in a few more keywords for clients who think air- cushioned mattress anything less than a 22.34% keyword density air-cushioned mattress isn’t effective. (How many different ways can you say air-cushioned mattress in two paragraphs?) Air-cushioned mattress.

A tape measure. Finally, I always carry a tape measure to keep track of project margins. I consider anything more than 3 inches to be a successful assignment – especially if that client comes back for 12 more inches over the next month.

So along with a word processor, spellchecker, thesauri, and dictionary of notable quotes, copywriters might consider adding a few new tools to their bag of tricks.

Maybe even an air-cushioned mattress?