A PageRank layman recently asked me how Google decides what site gets what ranking. Rather than bore him with technical tidbits from last decade's abstract, I thought I could better express the concept through a medium we can all appreciate: celebrities.

The metaphor is a simple one: PageRank is all about the quantity and quality of inbound links, right? Well, the value of a celebrity is often defined by the quantity and quality of people interested in that individual. As you read on, understand that when we talk about people "linking" to celebrities, we're talking about fans trampling other fans to get a candid photo, or people constantly asking them for money or trying to book them on their crappy talkshow... the more interest the celeb generates, the higher their PageRank equivalent. If you have a beef with the selections, or want to fill in the gaps, you know what to do.

There's no argument here – The Pope is a PR10. He doesn't report the news, he makes it. He doesn't ask for favors, he pardons sinners. He doesn't express his linkage to any particular individual or company, and yet the most powerful people in the world would be happy to kneel in front of him at a moment's notice. Nearly every human being on this planet loves him, respects him, or has some sort of agenda against him. In some form, he's been around for centuries, and he's been the authority on one of the world's most prominent religions for that entire period. There is no one else like him... he's the friggin' Pope.

Jay-Z is a PR8 because of two words: persistence and transcendence. He's been in the public eye for nearly 20 years, and has been grinding his way to the top the entire time. Starting from nothing and slowly building natural public attention and linkage over two decades is pretty much Google gold, and anyone as persistent as Jay-Z is will see similar results. But it's not just hard work that gets him to a PR8… it's the fact that he has moved beyond the bounds of music, developing linkage in other arenas. Just think of all the subdomains Jay-Z has: there's Jay-Z/clothing, Jay-Z/record label, Jay-Z/vodka, Jay-Z/sports team owner, Jay-Z/Beyonce... the list goes on, and each subdomain carries with it another huge chunk of link juice (some of which, like the sports team owner aspect and Beyonce aspect, involve other high-profile people whose linkage to Jay-Z is highly respected by Google – after all, if millions of people are linking to Beyonce, and Beyonce is linked to Jay-Z, then surely some portion of Beyonce's linkers have an interest in Jay-Z as well).

Anne Hathaway makes for a great PR5. She's got a lot of appeal and her name is very well-known nowadays, but most of her fan base consists of teeny bopper nobodies and disgusting old men like me. Both of those stereotypical "linkers" are the types to latch onto any passing fancy on the web that amuses them at the time, which means their linkage to Miss Hathaway doesn't impress Google all that much. A lot of people love her... just no one who matters. P.S.: Anne, if you're reading this, I didn't mean all those things. You'll always be a 10 in my book. Also, Anne, if you're reading this, please please please go out with me. Give me just one chance, and if it's not the most fun date you've ever been on, just let me know and I promise I'll untie you.

Remember Willie Aames? No? Well now you know why he's a PR3. He's useless to 99% of the population, but still, you have to respect the fact that if he sat down in a bar, at least one person would say, "Holy crap it's Buddy Lembeck!!" And that makes him a better man than you or I, as far as Google is concerned.

If there were any justice in the world, Paris would be a PR0. How can this be, you ask? She’s known all over the country, from redneck town A to redneck town Z... surely she has some juice with Google? But my friends, have you forgotten about the repercussions of link buying? Paris has made her name by whoring her soul out to anyone with a camera or a microphone – she has blatantly attempted to gain popularity by trading her ability to keep the paparazzi employed for the public's continued attention and linkage. This is a no-no for Google, and with good reason: if you could increase your PageRank simply by being the biggest slut on the block, then we'd end up with a ranking system that rewards desperation for attention, rather than rewarding deserved attention. Google succeeds where Entertainment Tonight fails, and thanks to that, the web is a bit more decent.